Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
welp
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.