I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.