My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?