Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I am having an out of money experience.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.