I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.