[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh