Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”