100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.