Cow it started Cow it’s going
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.