[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.