I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.