I never needed anything more in my life
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
One venti cheeseburger please.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.