2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Guantanamo Bae
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Become ungovernable.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money