You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You sure about that?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
work smarter, not harder
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!