The asteroid..
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
🙁
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*