I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Meow
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food