white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious