“You drive, I’m tired.”
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
This rocks
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I think we should hear other voices.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310