Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.