I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
How times have changed.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%