[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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Okay me first
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
*frowns in Scottish*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
just gave your address to some spiders
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.