Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.