I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.