I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee