When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Come back with a warrant
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.