[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.