Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I need to get some bricks…
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse