the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
@funTweeters
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.