Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
You Might Also Like
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
real
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.