(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
how to market bottled water to dads
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.