PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
23. the denim jacket
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.