This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.