A drum solo but on your face.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.