[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.