“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
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[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Anime is real
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.