This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
How I like cutting carbs