Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
You Might Also Like
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
We’re all getting idioter.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”