My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
saw this in a dream