*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
BaD BoY!!
The “baby” on the left….
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!