90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
You Might Also Like
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’d use my best pan on you.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude