One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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those birds must be on payroll
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Yup.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
(2022)
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.