We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“The Perfect Relationship”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!