cry laughing at this shit
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.