and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I鈥橪L BE FINE
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I鈥檇 be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn鈥檛 gonna eat itself
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they鈥檝e walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
TRES leches?! En esta econom铆a?!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you鈥檙e a bad boy now
-cool as heck
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin鈥檚 first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen