When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ