A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.