My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or