Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
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spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.