Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?