Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*seductively corrects your posture*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!